Two nights ago I watched the movie Everybody’s Fine, starring Robert De Niro as father and several other fine actors as his offspring. In the movie Frank Goode, a widower played by De Niro, travels around the country visiting his adult children. Learning their secrets leads first to introspection, then to a determination to make things right. The important point for me was Goode’s desire to patch things up with his “less-than-perfect” kids. To do this he needed to reconsider his past expectations for them.
This subject is a huge issue in Mormon culture. I keep hearing all kinds of horror stories about the relations between parents and children, and keep being told examples of how parental expectations are both problematic and unrealistic. How parents can see their children in only one light, and fail to take into consideration their children’s needs and desires. This is ironic for a culture that claims to emphasize the family.
Parents who say that they would rather see their children dead than come home early from a Mormon mission need to reevaluate their own lives. They need to ask questions like: Am I putting my social status above the happiness of my child? Am I unfairly transferring my expectations to my children? This issue of parent/child relationships was effectively examined in Richard Dutcher’s adult Mormon-genre movie States of Grace. Here the director/writer looks at the issues of a Mormon missionary going home early and a young girls “transgressions” in Hollywood. It is a must-see for all thinking Mormons, any parents for that matter.
I think the bottom line is: We need to love our children (and, in my case, grandchildren). Each child needs to live his/her own life. If they are gay, so be it. We must come to grips with the fact that they, in all probability, will not be changing. If they need to be agnostics or atheists, so be it. Religious beliefs can and do evolve. Forcing our beliefs onto them is a losing proposition. Both movies are good and recommended. But I didn’t like the ending of either.
